So tired...

Maybe it's just one of those days...

I go to bed some nights praying that I won't wake up the next morning.  I'm not all emo, but it's true.  Yet each day I wake up and push through, sometimes forcing myself to be happy.  It's been that way all my life, ever since I can remember.  The mental, physical and sexual abuse I endured as a child has taken it's toll on me.
I'm so tired.

Now as an adult, I'm a perfectionist.  Everything must be just right, from dinner to relationships and everything in between.  I try so hard to make everyone else happy while forgoing my own needs, yet I'm often selfish.

Oxymoron, I know.

I guess the few times I do try to take care of myself, that's when I come off as selfish.  I don't mean to...  Once in awhile I rebel and decide I will be happy and take care of myself, only worry about myself, etc, but it never lasts long.  I feel guilty.  I often feel I don't deserve to be happy because of things I've done in the past, so I focus on taking care of others' needs.
I'm so tired.

Some days I just have a cloud hanging over me.  I just want to down that bottle of sleeping pills, or whatever it would take, and be done.
 
But then I see her face...my beautiful daughter whom I have fought so hard for, just to spend any time I can with.  My sweet girl melts my heart and makes me laugh.  She's the one who keeps me plugging along every day.  She keeps me alive.

But I'm still so, so tired...

Big Pink Elephants

So I haven't written since June...
As always, a lot has been going on, I just am too lazy to blog about it.  But lately, I'm itchin' to talk.

The big elephant in the room is Nate's MS.  He was diagnosed on 9-27-11.  He's been in and out of the hospital for one thing or another the past couple months, but that's ok, otherwise it may have been years before we figured out what was wrong.  Once in awhile he goes ape-shit on me, but for the most part he's handling things pretty well.  I am really proud of him.

I left him last weekend, well Thursday.  I couldn't handle the talks of suicide and how no one cares about him.  I didn't know what to do and I panicked...so I packed up most everything in about 4 hours when he was at work and had my aunt pick me up.

I think that was the shittiest thing I've ever done to someone.  I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

We talked some, texted a lot, and by Sunday afternoon I was back.  We both agreed we each have issues to work on and things aren't as bad as we make them out to be and that we love each other more than life itself. We can't imagine life without each other, as cheesy as that sounds...

I have relationship and self-confidence issues and he has anger issues...is it worth fighting for?  I'd like to think so.  I'm going to get back into therapy and we're going to love each other.

I know there's no "flow" to my writing today...I'm just typing what pops into my head.  Bear with me.

Back to the MS... I've made some great friends on a support group site and have learned a lot about the disease.  I can't imagine what these people, and my Nathan, are going through.  Though it affects everyone differently, MS is still horrible.  I just want to fix him and make everything ok.

I also have to learn to not baby him and let him do things for himself.  When he's feeling good, I need to let him help with housework, cooking, etc. and on the bad days, be patient and let him do whatever he needs to do to get through it.

I'm starving, have laundry to do and need to watch Looney Tunes... I'll be back soon.

Peace & Blessings!

Then There's Me...

I know it's been a couple of months... I have a reason, really!  My netbook crapped out on me from a virus and I've had to do everything on my phone.  I finally got my daughter's old laptop out and am using it until I get mine fixed.  Windows 2000...ugh.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to blog again.

I was looking through old pictures of my man today after he left for work.  I was actually looking for a spare mouse and saw them on the bookshelf.  I plopped down right on the floor, giggling to myself over the photos of him as a little tyke.  Honestly, he was adorable and his parents looked amazing.  I almost felt like I was part of their family for one brief moment.  Then I started missing him and got on Facebook to look at more recent pics.  I used to do that when we first got together and I was still in Oklahoma.  I'd stare at his face on my screen for hours while "Somewhere Out There" played in my head.  Yea, I'm a sap, but I'm in love.

Anyway, back to my point...

I started thinking about his ex girlfriends...I hear random stories about them once in awhile and have seen pictures of a couple.  Believe me, it doesn't bother me when their names get brought up in conversation, but today was different.  Something hit me...some voice in my ear saying, "You're not good enough."

I feel like that quite often, but can usually push the thoughts away.  Today I can't.

I'm not as pretty, I don't make him happy, I'm too fat, I don't take care of him like I should... the list goes on.  I promise I'm not fishing for compliments, this is really what I think when I look in the mirror.

How do you prove to someone you love you're the best for them, when you don't believe it yourself?

Day by Day...

That's how I'm dealing with life, day by day.  I never know how my brain's going to work - if I'm going to be 'happy' or suicidal.  I hide a lot of my emotions.

Many people don't know, but I have a hard time even leaving home for the day.  Sure I go to work, because I have to, but if its errands or something not pressing, I put it off most of the time.  I have to force myself to go out because I just want to hole up at home.  I often turn down invitations to go out with friends because I just don't want to go anywhere and I don't care.  I joke about feeling 'bleh' but that's how I feel almost every day.

I can't remember things like I use to and I feel like I'm in a constant fog.  I don't do things that were once enjoyable to me, like crocheting, singing, playing video games...anything.  I'm like a robot; I force myself out of bed to work, come home, eat, shower and go to bed only to do it again the next day. 

I went to my first therapy session today, which I really didn't want to do, but I made it.  I came home for a bit and was so tempted to not get back out again to run errands.  All I wanted to do was nap and blow off the rest of the day then beat myself up later for wasting time.  However, I forced myself out of the apartment, took care of the few things I had to do, then treated myself to a tanning session and a trip to my favorite health food store.  Once I get out, I'm ok, it's just getting to that point.  I have to push myself so hard just to do the little things.

I've become very anti-social and a lot of it has to do with email, texting and Facebook.  No one has to communicate face to face anymore, which would be fine unless you suffer from depression.  I'm so withdrawn, I only talk to people when I absolutely have to, like at work, then it's minimal.  I hate talking on the phone anymore and 99% of the time I won't answer my phone.

I'm debating on working my Mary Kay business because I don't want to be around people.  I had a customer call over the weekend needing foundation and I have yet to call her back just because I don't want to talk to anyone.  Not good for business!  Maybe I need to take care of myself first, then take care of my business later.

Last week I started taking online classes for Medical Transcriptioning/Editing because the thought of working from home and not dealing directly with people really, really appeals to me.  I wouldn't have to work for douchebags anymore, just myself.

I have a small group of people that I let in, but I shut out everyone else.  Don't get me wrong, I would do anything for anyone who needs help but otherwise I don't want to be around anyone but my daughter and my man.  I won't even return my own grandma's phone calls.

I am exhausted all the time, both physically and mentally.  It's like I have the flu every day.

There is a point to my ramblings...if I blow you off or seem distant, don't accept invites to events or talk on the phone, just be patient with me.  I have a lot to fix.  Hopefully with therapy and maybe some new meds, I can do it.

<3

The End...

I wrote this blog April 15, 2011 but didn't post it right away...obviously it wasn't a good day.  I've decided to take it one day at a time. 

Today is better...


I know I haven't said much lately.  I don't have anything to say.  I either hurt or feel numb.

I have suffered from depression ever since I was a kid... suicidal thoughts run rampant in my brain.  The last few years had been been better, thanks to really good meds, but I think they're not working as well anymore.  The bad thoughts are coming back, almost daily now.

I went in to start seeing a counselor the other day, and have my first session Tuesday but I think it may be too late. 

I'm such a selfish whore who only thinks of herself... I'd be doing the world a huge favor.  I hurt the one person in my life who I love dearly awhile back and am constantly reminded of it.  I don't deserve to get off easily though.  I'm not good enough for him and don't take care of him the way he deserves.  His last girlfriend did everything for him and I'll never be like her.  God, he deserves so much more.

Every time I get these thoughts, I try to focus on my daughter but it doesn't help anymore.  She has a good home and family who love her.  She'd hurt for awhile, but would move on.  I only hope that she doesn't catch hell for my actions and people support her.  She deserves only the best too.  I love her so much.

It seems like I only hurt people... everyone deserves so much more than what I can give them.  I'm tired of the pain and mentally exhausted.  I can't do this anymore.  I guess that makes me weak as well as selfish. 

Please tell my daughter I'll always be with her, no matter where she is.  Also, tell her it's not her fault.  Mom's brain just wasn't working right.  I love her more than anything.

Please tell the love of my life, NT, I'm so sorry for everything and I've always loved him.  That I've never lied about.

Please tell my mother I'm sorry.  She did the best she could.  I think I was doomed from the start.

Peace & Blessings,
Jennifer

Aliens Inside...

I haven't blogged in several days mainly because I've been busy, but also I just don't give a shit some days.  My depression has been getting worse.  Most days are great and I'm so happy and content, but every so often I get in a funk and I just don't care about anything.  The past couple of days have been bad...even now I just feel 'bleh'.  I don't want to work or do anything for that matter.  I just want to stay home with my man and sleep.  Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the Sky I have him in my life; he keeps me sane and laughing.
I went to Omaha for work last week, which was nice but I was so unhappy being away from home.  I also saw how great it is at the main office...everyone laughing, joking and having a good time while working.  Morale was awesome there and it made me a little jealous.  For the most part we don't have that where I am, even though it's all the same organization and we're all trained the same.  Our work environment is so stressful and I think that's partly why I've been in this funk; I didn't want to come back to it.  I make very good money where I am and the benefits are great, but I find myself wondering if it's worth it.  I have opportunities later to advance and that's what keeps me going but are things ever going to change there?

I just got back from the doctor for a follow-up after my upper GI/colonoscopy almost two weeks ago.  He said my bowels were just about the worst he's ever seen.  Apparently he couldn't advance the camera as far as he wanted because my insides kept clamping down.  He even showed me some pictures and I swear I saw a face in my colon.  Also my stomach is irritated so we're trying a new pill for that.  Fun stuff.

We have a new pet, a 5' corn snake.  It's the most awesome thing ever!  Yea, that was random.

I don't have anything else; I just have to go day by day. 

Peace n' Blessings

Consistently inconsistent

Anyone who knows me well, knows that my brain is full of random crap all the time.  I can go from a deep religious conversation to "bunny!" quicker than a crack whore goes down on a guy for a 20.  I never know what to blog about because I can't pinpoint what I want to say.  My blog topics could range from personal issues, work, my family, my man, a movie I just watched....anything.  I've started and deleted so many blogs I've lost count, but I'm keeping this one.  This one even has such a random title...but there's a story behind it.  I actually have pink cocoa in my cupboard at this moment.  It's in a cute tin, which I bought years ago in Texas for my daughter, and it tastes really good...light and almost creamy.  Also, I love pink things and chocolate.  Almost anyone with a vagina, and feminine men, loves pink and chocolate...

However, when you start to read my blog, you never know what it's going to be about.  It can be sweet and innocent or totally inappropriate...but that's how I am.  Everything about me is completely random.  I seldom censor myself, unless I'm working and sometimes not even then.  I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and you either love me or hate me; there's no middle ground.

I am truly grateful for the few who do love me...they've seen me at my worst and still come back.

My brain is changing gears...
There is really a rabbit who lives on the ground of our apartment complex.  I see him almost every day and am tempted to start saving veggie scraps to feed him. 

I miss my dog, Roxie.

I have the most incredible man in my life.  I swear I'm not just saying that because I think he'll read this.  I can totally screw up and he still loves me.  Most days I feel that I really don't deserve him, but I'm so happy I have him.  He truly is the love of my life.

Think I'll go make some chicken n' stars soup...