So tired...

Maybe it's just one of those days...

I go to bed some nights praying that I won't wake up the next morning.  I'm not all emo, but it's true.  Yet each day I wake up and push through, sometimes forcing myself to be happy.  It's been that way all my life, ever since I can remember.  The mental, physical and sexual abuse I endured as a child has taken it's toll on me.
I'm so tired.

Now as an adult, I'm a perfectionist.  Everything must be just right, from dinner to relationships and everything in between.  I try so hard to make everyone else happy while forgoing my own needs, yet I'm often selfish.

Oxymoron, I know.

I guess the few times I do try to take care of myself, that's when I come off as selfish.  I don't mean to...  Once in awhile I rebel and decide I will be happy and take care of myself, only worry about myself, etc, but it never lasts long.  I feel guilty.  I often feel I don't deserve to be happy because of things I've done in the past, so I focus on taking care of others' needs.
I'm so tired.

Some days I just have a cloud hanging over me.  I just want to down that bottle of sleeping pills, or whatever it would take, and be done.
 
But then I see her face...my beautiful daughter whom I have fought so hard for, just to spend any time I can with.  My sweet girl melts my heart and makes me laugh.  She's the one who keeps me plugging along every day.  She keeps me alive.

But I'm still so, so tired...

Big Pink Elephants

So I haven't written since June...
As always, a lot has been going on, I just am too lazy to blog about it.  But lately, I'm itchin' to talk.

The big elephant in the room is Nate's MS.  He was diagnosed on 9-27-11.  He's been in and out of the hospital for one thing or another the past couple months, but that's ok, otherwise it may have been years before we figured out what was wrong.  Once in awhile he goes ape-shit on me, but for the most part he's handling things pretty well.  I am really proud of him.

I left him last weekend, well Thursday.  I couldn't handle the talks of suicide and how no one cares about him.  I didn't know what to do and I panicked...so I packed up most everything in about 4 hours when he was at work and had my aunt pick me up.

I think that was the shittiest thing I've ever done to someone.  I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

We talked some, texted a lot, and by Sunday afternoon I was back.  We both agreed we each have issues to work on and things aren't as bad as we make them out to be and that we love each other more than life itself. We can't imagine life without each other, as cheesy as that sounds...

I have relationship and self-confidence issues and he has anger issues...is it worth fighting for?  I'd like to think so.  I'm going to get back into therapy and we're going to love each other.

I know there's no "flow" to my writing today...I'm just typing what pops into my head.  Bear with me.

Back to the MS... I've made some great friends on a support group site and have learned a lot about the disease.  I can't imagine what these people, and my Nathan, are going through.  Though it affects everyone differently, MS is still horrible.  I just want to fix him and make everything ok.

I also have to learn to not baby him and let him do things for himself.  When he's feeling good, I need to let him help with housework, cooking, etc. and on the bad days, be patient and let him do whatever he needs to do to get through it.

I'm starving, have laundry to do and need to watch Looney Tunes... I'll be back soon.

Peace & Blessings!