Day by Day...

That's how I'm dealing with life, day by day.  I never know how my brain's going to work - if I'm going to be 'happy' or suicidal.  I hide a lot of my emotions.

Many people don't know, but I have a hard time even leaving home for the day.  Sure I go to work, because I have to, but if its errands or something not pressing, I put it off most of the time.  I have to force myself to go out because I just want to hole up at home.  I often turn down invitations to go out with friends because I just don't want to go anywhere and I don't care.  I joke about feeling 'bleh' but that's how I feel almost every day.

I can't remember things like I use to and I feel like I'm in a constant fog.  I don't do things that were once enjoyable to me, like crocheting, singing, playing video games...anything.  I'm like a robot; I force myself out of bed to work, come home, eat, shower and go to bed only to do it again the next day. 

I went to my first therapy session today, which I really didn't want to do, but I made it.  I came home for a bit and was so tempted to not get back out again to run errands.  All I wanted to do was nap and blow off the rest of the day then beat myself up later for wasting time.  However, I forced myself out of the apartment, took care of the few things I had to do, then treated myself to a tanning session and a trip to my favorite health food store.  Once I get out, I'm ok, it's just getting to that point.  I have to push myself so hard just to do the little things.

I've become very anti-social and a lot of it has to do with email, texting and Facebook.  No one has to communicate face to face anymore, which would be fine unless you suffer from depression.  I'm so withdrawn, I only talk to people when I absolutely have to, like at work, then it's minimal.  I hate talking on the phone anymore and 99% of the time I won't answer my phone.

I'm debating on working my Mary Kay business because I don't want to be around people.  I had a customer call over the weekend needing foundation and I have yet to call her back just because I don't want to talk to anyone.  Not good for business!  Maybe I need to take care of myself first, then take care of my business later.

Last week I started taking online classes for Medical Transcriptioning/Editing because the thought of working from home and not dealing directly with people really, really appeals to me.  I wouldn't have to work for douchebags anymore, just myself.

I have a small group of people that I let in, but I shut out everyone else.  Don't get me wrong, I would do anything for anyone who needs help but otherwise I don't want to be around anyone but my daughter and my man.  I won't even return my own grandma's phone calls.

I am exhausted all the time, both physically and mentally.  It's like I have the flu every day.

There is a point to my ramblings...if I blow you off or seem distant, don't accept invites to events or talk on the phone, just be patient with me.  I have a lot to fix.  Hopefully with therapy and maybe some new meds, I can do it.

<3

The End...

I wrote this blog April 15, 2011 but didn't post it right away...obviously it wasn't a good day.  I've decided to take it one day at a time. 

Today is better...


I know I haven't said much lately.  I don't have anything to say.  I either hurt or feel numb.

I have suffered from depression ever since I was a kid... suicidal thoughts run rampant in my brain.  The last few years had been been better, thanks to really good meds, but I think they're not working as well anymore.  The bad thoughts are coming back, almost daily now.

I went in to start seeing a counselor the other day, and have my first session Tuesday but I think it may be too late. 

I'm such a selfish whore who only thinks of herself... I'd be doing the world a huge favor.  I hurt the one person in my life who I love dearly awhile back and am constantly reminded of it.  I don't deserve to get off easily though.  I'm not good enough for him and don't take care of him the way he deserves.  His last girlfriend did everything for him and I'll never be like her.  God, he deserves so much more.

Every time I get these thoughts, I try to focus on my daughter but it doesn't help anymore.  She has a good home and family who love her.  She'd hurt for awhile, but would move on.  I only hope that she doesn't catch hell for my actions and people support her.  She deserves only the best too.  I love her so much.

It seems like I only hurt people... everyone deserves so much more than what I can give them.  I'm tired of the pain and mentally exhausted.  I can't do this anymore.  I guess that makes me weak as well as selfish. 

Please tell my daughter I'll always be with her, no matter where she is.  Also, tell her it's not her fault.  Mom's brain just wasn't working right.  I love her more than anything.

Please tell the love of my life, NT, I'm so sorry for everything and I've always loved him.  That I've never lied about.

Please tell my mother I'm sorry.  She did the best she could.  I think I was doomed from the start.

Peace & Blessings,
Jennifer

Aliens Inside...

I haven't blogged in several days mainly because I've been busy, but also I just don't give a shit some days.  My depression has been getting worse.  Most days are great and I'm so happy and content, but every so often I get in a funk and I just don't care about anything.  The past couple of days have been bad...even now I just feel 'bleh'.  I don't want to work or do anything for that matter.  I just want to stay home with my man and sleep.  Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the Sky I have him in my life; he keeps me sane and laughing.
I went to Omaha for work last week, which was nice but I was so unhappy being away from home.  I also saw how great it is at the main office...everyone laughing, joking and having a good time while working.  Morale was awesome there and it made me a little jealous.  For the most part we don't have that where I am, even though it's all the same organization and we're all trained the same.  Our work environment is so stressful and I think that's partly why I've been in this funk; I didn't want to come back to it.  I make very good money where I am and the benefits are great, but I find myself wondering if it's worth it.  I have opportunities later to advance and that's what keeps me going but are things ever going to change there?

I just got back from the doctor for a follow-up after my upper GI/colonoscopy almost two weeks ago.  He said my bowels were just about the worst he's ever seen.  Apparently he couldn't advance the camera as far as he wanted because my insides kept clamping down.  He even showed me some pictures and I swear I saw a face in my colon.  Also my stomach is irritated so we're trying a new pill for that.  Fun stuff.

We have a new pet, a 5' corn snake.  It's the most awesome thing ever!  Yea, that was random.

I don't have anything else; I just have to go day by day. 

Peace n' Blessings