I wrote this blog April 15, 2011 but didn't post it right away...obviously it wasn't a good day. I've decided to take it one day at a time.
Today is better...
I know I haven't said much lately. I don't have anything to say. I either hurt or feel numb.
I have suffered from depression ever since I was a kid... suicidal thoughts run rampant in my brain. The last few years had been been better, thanks to really good meds, but I think they're not working as well anymore. The bad thoughts are coming back, almost daily now.
I went in to start seeing a counselor the other day, and have my first session Tuesday but I think it may be too late.
I'm such a selfish whore who only thinks of herself... I'd be doing the world a huge favor. I hurt the one person in my life who I love dearly awhile back and am constantly reminded of it. I don't deserve to get off easily though. I'm not good enough for him and don't take care of him the way he deserves. His last girlfriend did everything for him and I'll never be like her. God, he deserves so much more.
Every time I get these thoughts, I try to focus on my daughter but it doesn't help anymore. She has a good home and family who love her. She'd hurt for awhile, but would move on. I only hope that she doesn't catch hell for my actions and people support her. She deserves only the best too. I love her so much.
It seems like I only hurt people... everyone deserves so much more than what I can give them. I'm tired of the pain and mentally exhausted. I can't do this anymore. I guess that makes me weak as well as selfish.
Please tell my daughter I'll always be with her, no matter where she is. Also, tell her it's not her fault. Mom's brain just wasn't working right. I love her more than anything.
Please tell the love of my life, NT, I'm so sorry for everything and I've always loved him. That I've never lied about.
Please tell my mother I'm sorry. She did the best she could. I think I was doomed from the start.
Peace & Blessings,
Jennifer
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