That's how I'm dealing with life, day by day. I never know how my brain's going to work - if I'm going to be 'happy' or suicidal. I hide a lot of my emotions.
Many people don't know, but I have a hard time even leaving home for the day. Sure I go to work, because I have to, but if its errands or something not pressing, I put it off most of the time. I have to force myself to go out because I just want to hole up at home. I often turn down invitations to go out with friends because I just don't want to go anywhere and I don't care. I joke about feeling 'bleh' but that's how I feel almost every day.
I can't remember things like I use to and I feel like I'm in a constant fog. I don't do things that were once enjoyable to me, like crocheting, singing, playing video games...anything. I'm like a robot; I force myself out of bed to work, come home, eat, shower and go to bed only to do it again the next day.
I went to my first therapy session today, which I really didn't want to do, but I made it. I came home for a bit and was so tempted to not get back out again to run errands. All I wanted to do was nap and blow off the rest of the day then beat myself up later for wasting time. However, I forced myself out of the apartment, took care of the few things I had to do, then treated myself to a tanning session and a trip to my favorite health food store. Once I get out, I'm ok, it's just getting to that point. I have to push myself so hard just to do the little things.
I've become very anti-social and a lot of it has to do with email, texting and Facebook. No one has to communicate face to face anymore, which would be fine unless you suffer from depression. I'm so withdrawn, I only talk to people when I absolutely have to, like at work, then it's minimal. I hate talking on the phone anymore and 99% of the time I won't answer my phone.
I'm debating on working my Mary Kay business because I don't want to be around people. I had a customer call over the weekend needing foundation and I have yet to call her back just because I don't want to talk to anyone. Not good for business! Maybe I need to take care of myself first, then take care of my business later.
Last week I started taking online classes for Medical Transcriptioning/Editing because the thought of working from home and not dealing directly with people really, really appeals to me. I wouldn't have to work for douchebags anymore, just myself.
I have a small group of people that I let in, but I shut out everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I would do anything for anyone who needs help but otherwise I don't want to be around anyone but my daughter and my man. I won't even return my own grandma's phone calls.
I am exhausted all the time, both physically and mentally. It's like I have the flu every day.
There is a point to my ramblings...if I blow you off or seem distant, don't accept invites to events or talk on the phone, just be patient with me. I have a lot to fix. Hopefully with therapy and maybe some new meds, I can do it.
<3
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