So tired...

Maybe it's just one of those days...

I go to bed some nights praying that I won't wake up the next morning.  I'm not all emo, but it's true.  Yet each day I wake up and push through, sometimes forcing myself to be happy.  It's been that way all my life, ever since I can remember.  The mental, physical and sexual abuse I endured as a child has taken it's toll on me.
I'm so tired.

Now as an adult, I'm a perfectionist.  Everything must be just right, from dinner to relationships and everything in between.  I try so hard to make everyone else happy while forgoing my own needs, yet I'm often selfish.

Oxymoron, I know.

I guess the few times I do try to take care of myself, that's when I come off as selfish.  I don't mean to...  Once in awhile I rebel and decide I will be happy and take care of myself, only worry about myself, etc, but it never lasts long.  I feel guilty.  I often feel I don't deserve to be happy because of things I've done in the past, so I focus on taking care of others' needs.
I'm so tired.

Some days I just have a cloud hanging over me.  I just want to down that bottle of sleeping pills, or whatever it would take, and be done.
 
But then I see her face...my beautiful daughter whom I have fought so hard for, just to spend any time I can with.  My sweet girl melts my heart and makes me laugh.  She's the one who keeps me plugging along every day.  She keeps me alive.

But I'm still so, so tired...